SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday. You will need written permission from your manager for
each and every one of them.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1 & Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
completed and signed off by your manager.

OUT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy; normal-size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain an average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers or carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or any other type
of input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Oh, and those of you good ol' boys with very expensive wives, please report
to the Board of Directors for a new assignment.

-Management